I'm Having A Thought...

I pretty much suck at juggling.  I've never been one to just whip my hand up and catch a ball, that's why I pretty much sucked at sports.  And yet I'm finding myself lately with so many balls in the air and no clear way to keep them going without wounding myself and those around me by my pathetic attempts and flailing limbs.

I need to {gently} drop some balls.

It's hard to know what things in life are just "good" and not "great", ya know?  And yet we've been counseled by wiser men to let the "good" things go to focus on the "great".  While I TOTALLY agree with said advice, I find myself stuck between many rocks and many hard places: be a better mom or a better wife?  A better friend or better at finding my own peace?  Better at my calling or better at photography?  Better with the budget or a better chef?  Healthier or simpler?  Calmer or more on top of it?  Craftier or more focused?

My patriarchal blessing tells me to beware of the good things in the world because the evil one can manipulate even those things people often consider to be good and worthy to serve his purposes in deceiving us and destroying families.  Whoa.

I need to {gently} drop some balls.

I've thought about it, prayed about it, debated the answer I got, flat out rejected it actually, and finally relented and came back around to the one thing that makes the most sense to let go of - the one thing that stresses me out more than anything else in my life right now {and no, it's not my husband or kids... although they do run a pretty close second some days!!}:

My photography business.

*Sigh*

I've been so torn on this one for SO many reasons - this is supposed to be my creative release!  My outlet from the humdrum of the same day in and day out of every day life!  This is a way to identify myself and set me apart from my peers, a way to earn extra money and give myself some much needed freedom in a controlled way... 

But it's just not anymore.  I'm tired.  It stresses me out to get paid first and THEN have to do the work.  I'm such a perfectionist that it takes me dozens of hours per shoot to edit because I want every last miniscule detail just so.  And it's not like being a photographer makes me special - EVERYONE has a nice camera.  EVERYONE takes amazing pictures!  8 years ago when I started there were like 5 of us in this valley of 40,000ish people.  Now there are closer to 50.  And they're all pretty great!!  Ugh, and I get SO STRESSED out knowing there are people waiting on me to get their memories back that I can't fully enjoy ANYthing I do, ESPECIALLY focus on my own family's pictures.  I avoid getting my camera out because I know I'll never have the time to do anything with the images I capture.  THAT SUCKS.  I hate it.  I hate that something I love and identify with so much, has become a constant dark place in my mind and in my life.  But I need a way to earn extra money to pay for school clothes, Christmas presents, gymnastics, dance, choir, soccer, little league, sports gear, shoes, clothes for myself, books, random crap on Amazon, eating out when I just can't bring myself to cook dinner or something as simple as a fountain drink on a road trip.

But, if I stop now, am I done?  I mean, if I take a step back I will lose clients that I will NEVER be able to get back like school sports teams, town sports leagues, families I've worked with for 8 years, etc. Am I really ok with that?  Is there something else I can do to earn some extra money on the side and yet still let a HUGE stress go without adding a new one?

I hope so.  I really feel like there is.  Maybe I'll make and sell crafty crap on Facebook.  Maybe.  Maybe I'll get into meal planning and prep for others, or finally write some of the books tucked away in my brain and get lucky and become a millionaire by selling the movie rights {hahaha!!!}.  But, you never know.  Whatever it is, I feel really good about this decision.  Weirdly excited to be honest!  Almost giddy.  I'll limit myself this fall and be done for the most part (still do sessions for family and friends because I do still love it, and will hopefully love it more when it's back to being a hobby and not a business) by the end of November.  Just writing it and putting it out there already feels like I've let a huge burden go.

Balls {gently} dropped.